Ever notice when someone asks for help, they are generally viewed as a low-life, tactless moocher that no one wants to help? Yet, if another person asks on behalf of someone in need, the response is frequently the opposite... perceived as a project and a worthy cause... something one feel good about participating in.
Ask and you shall receive? Well, perhaps if you're communicating with God, but here in the real world it's more like
ask and you shall receive... a slap in the face... a kick in the gut... an insult... or, if you're lucky, maybe just a dirty look.
Of course it is not always the case. We really do need to ask directly for what we need. But... I can't help but contemplate why that is so often the case. If a person is worthy of helping, why is there such a grand canyon between someone asking for help directly, and someone asking for them. Perhaps because the concept of appropriate boundaries are so diverse. People are bombarded by those who choose not to take care of themselves, yet expect others to do that which they are capable of, and should be doing for themselves. It is difficult to distinguish the users from those who genuinely need a hand up.
But moreso, I think it is related to a sense of expectation, guilt... or a sense of responsibility. This is my theory... but only a theory:
If someone directly asks for help, to refuse seems heartless. Yet no one wants to feel pushed or manipulated into doing something, especially if it requires letting go of money... thus comes an up-rise of self-defense...
I work hard, I don't owe him... (he never said you did... he was merely stating his situation and seeing if you might assist). Being confronted with a direct request seems to imply that there is an expectation. For the person asking, it is hope, but for the one having something requested of him, it may feel like expectation... even obligation, triggering a moment of self reflection... and self judgment. This is followed by justification... then self defense... the devaluation of a fellow human being. If this is really a brother or sister in need, and I'm not helping them, then I'm bad. But if they are bad or at fault for their desperate position... a victim of their own foolishness, then I am justified in looking the other way. Looking at the person as less of a human being, because of their need then excuses any sense of responsibility, whether that sense of responsibility is merited or not. In addition, one gains that sense of being better than someone else. To just feel free to truly look at a situation, evaluate it, and determine if it is something to participating in being a solution to or not is rarely the case...
If approached by a third party, pressure is minimized, or of a different breed. Suddenly it can be about what one really desires to do, and the focus can be on the severity of the need, etc. For others, it becomes about image. Someone else is aware, perhaps they want to impress... or it appeals to their need/goal/desire to do a good deed and to feel worthwhile and important.
It is such a vulnerable thing to need. Humbling... humiliating. Yet to be sick, and need care, to be lost, and need direction... what is a person to do? Not ask for what they need? We are created interdependent. Codependency, dependence, and total independence are extremes that are detrimental, but there is this place in the middle... a beautiful dance that alternates between giving and receiving... a free exchange... but so few know the steps or even hear the music...
I don't know. I am grieved by much of what I witness. There are those who truly are desperate, and don't know what to do. It is no one's specific job to help... but maybe they need it, and I have been privileged to see it and be given the opportunity to stretch beyond myself. And sometimes, it is best NOT to give a person what they ask for, but yet to extend them dignity and respect. To value all beings. We never know what took someone to the point or place they have ended up. And given similar circumstances... a different temperament, a different chemical balance in the body... with which we do not know but what we would be much worse off than they. There is a difference between making a judgment (deciding what to do, based on evaluation of information and applying wisdom) and judging someone.
There is that person who is stuck, but just needs guidance, or a little bit of a hand... maybe a stepping stone... and then you read in the paper about their suicide, and wonder... what if I had reached out... if only I had treated them with compassion. Not saying that everyone who asks for help should be given a hand out... maybe just a hand. And think the general attitude about requests for help (cries incognito) needs to shift a little...
Do meu coração'...
